It’s not you it’s me

 

My client this morning brought an interesting dilemma. He was at work last week and one of his customer asked his opinion on other traders in the field. Having a nice rapport already with that regular customer, my client allowed himself to share his thoughts on that subject, which actually weren’t very positive…

On his way home, he got a bit worried, wondering if he had done the right thing in being so honest on that topic with a customer. He asked his girlfriend her opinion and she got very wound up and angry with him, criticising the fact that “he always talks too much”. My client was puzzled as her reaction seemed overly strong and felt very guilty about it all. He immediately asked me to schedule an appointment.

When John went into details about the story, it seemed he couldn’t find any controversy in what he had shared with his customer, as he was very careful in not mentioning any names and only giving a general opinion. Through some coaching, we quickly realised that John didn’t think there was an issue in him talking too much actually, he had simply adopted his girlfriend’s beliefs that he did something wrong.

Digging deeper it appeared that a few months ago, John had shared with his best friend that his girlfriend had previously suffered from depression. Justine got very upset as she understandably felt quite protective of this aspect of her life; she probably felt betrayed in being exposed to a third party without her permission. And since that incident, she has been very sensitive every time John was openly sharing some information.

That was quite a breakthrough for John as he actually realised that this criticism had actually not much to do with him, but simply was showing the fact that his girlfriend had some issues – that can be very legitimate – around her depression and him sharing some private information. It is therefore important to recognise the difference between what others believe is right or wrong and what we stand for.

I’ve read a wonderful quote recently that sums up very well the dynamic of this pattern: “When people predict your doom, undermine your dreams or criticise you, remember they’re telling you their stories, not yours.” A lot of the time when you are being criticised, it is very helpful to remember that this reaction says much more about the person having it than you. This approach allows to step back from guilt, blame or feeling defensive and to begin to understand what’s going on for the other person.

We all have a different model of the world and our reactions to external events are bound to be influenced by our subjective perceptions. Our beliefs and values, our past experience and much more will shape how we interpret events and how we respond to them. So most of the time our reactions to others are merely the mirror of what’s going on in our internal experience rather than a detached response to what’s presented to us.

But too often we mistake the map for the reality and try to impose our beliefs on others by criticising them when they don’t behave according to our standards. Sometimes we may simply forget that they follow their values which are simply different from ours, but as valid…

Have you ever been in such a situation?I’d be interested to hear how you handled criticism 🙂

NLP or Hypnotherapy?

I often have been asked the question “what is the difference between NLP and Hypnotherapy”? It is actually quite difficult to answer as they aren’t easily defined and there are multiple ways to look at hypnosis and NLP. But I’m going to intend clarifying that by giving you my understanding of it.

Hypnosis is a technique that generates an altered state of consciousness in which the unconscious mind is more available to respond to change. And Hypnotherapy is a therapeutic approach that uses hypnosis. I think it is quite important to understand the difference between hypnotherapy and stage hypnosis. The unfortunate reputation of hypnosis comes from the latter, which has got an entertainment purpose. It uses hypnosis in a manipulative way in order to generate some unusual behaviours. On another hand, a hypnotherapist uses hypnosis in an ethical way, within the control, permission and full awareness of its subject. So a client will never do something he doesn’t agree with or doesn’t want to do.

As for NLP, it is a set of great tools that uses language to generate changes at the neurological level. NLP can be used in transformational coaching, but also to improve communication, in business, sales and in many other areas. It is widely recognised that NLP techniques are also very powerful in a therapeutic context. So what are the benefits of combining it with hypnotherapy? When clients come to see an NLP practitioner, it’s safe to assume they’ve already tried to sort out their issues but weren’t successful. That suggests the cause of their issue is rooted in their unconscious mind. In my experience, when using NLP without the help of hypnosis, it engages a lot more the conscious mind. That leads very often to interference of negative thoughts and barriers, which prevent to work on the root cause of the issue. The use of hypnosis allows the client to enter a gentle relaxed state in which they can start to change at a deeper level.

It is very helpful to have a deep understanding of some hypnotherapy techniques. I had once a client who came into my practice and told me he only wanted to be treated with Hypnotherapy. In order to fit his model of the world, I gave his unconscious mind some suggestions guiding him towards his desired outcome, using metaphors and unconscious reframing. But I found that the changes that my client was getting happened much slower than when using a combination of NLP and hypnotherapy techniques. Based on this, I have noticed that Hypnotherapy actually works better when supported by a CD to listen every day, as daily suggestions are more effective and work faster than weekly ones…

All those reflections brought me to describe their difference as follow: during a hypnotherapy session, the client is very passive whilst the therapist does most of the work; as with NLP, the client is actively engaged in doing some exercises to reprogram their brain whilst their conscious mind is still very active. Actually, some NLP techniques could very well be taken for hypnotherapy ones, as the creators of NLP modelled hypnotherapists…so there’s a fine line between those two methods and I would conclude by saying that their alliance helps the conscious mind to reprogram the unconscious one at a deeper level. And as two heads are better than one, two different approaches combined are more effective than each taken separately.

For more info on what hypnotherapy can help with check that link http://connecthypnotherapy.com/10-benefits-of-hypnotherapy