Counselling or NLP therapy?

Why would you choose NLP therapy rather than counselling or psychotherapy?

Most clients I see in my practice bring up issues that could very well be treated via traditional talking therapy. Such as stress, anxiety, low self-esteem or even depression. In most cases, it only takes a few months for their symptoms or issues to be completely solved using integrative NLP and hypnotherapy processes. So how come it generally takes much longer with traditional talking therapy?

The main focus of counselling or psychotherapy sessions is on the problems. Where they come from, what caused them, what are the emotional roots as well as analysing the impacts they have in one’s life. However, once you’ve done this work, where do you take it from there? How do you go from understanding the root causes and impact of your issues to solving them? Who has ever stopped smoking, lost significant amount of weight or cured a strong phobia by only talking about it?!

In my personal experience of counselling, after having analysed the ins and outs of the issues I’ve been often told “You can’t solve your issues; You can only learn to live with them” and the following sessions then become focused on learning the coping mechanisms to do so. However I strongly disagree with that statement. Those are beliefs that were appropriate perhaps in the early days of therapy, but nowadays, with the incredible development of new approaches and alternative therapies, I don’t believe there is such thing as an impossibility to resolve an issue. Don’t get me wrong, it might only be a belief, but at the end of the day, what is most useful? To believe you can’t resolve your issues and you merely have to live with them and reduce the damages they have in your life, or actually believe there’s a way to totally free yourself from them? I know what my clients who completely recovered from chronic fatigue, M.E or depression would say…

Counselling and Psychotherapy can be very useful however. Sometimes people don’t feel happy but they have no idea why. In those situations, it can be extremely helpful to get the support of a qualified therapist to shed light on what is causing those negative feelings. And sometimes as well, talking for the first time about traumatic events to a therapist can be extremely relieving and the first step towards healing.

However, even if analysing and understanding one’s issue is an essential initial part of the recovery process, it has never made the issues fully disappear on the long run. It’s like saying that when my car broke down a few weeks ago, simply knowing that the clutch wasn’t working any more because it was rusted was enough to magically make it work again ; Or that I needed to learn to drive the car without it. I obviously needed to do something about it, go to the garage who has the tools to repair the car…

On the neurological level as well I believe it is crucial to have a different approach towards our issues. The brain adapts itself according to how we use it (that’s called neuroplasticity) and when you keep talking about your issues every week for years in your therapy sessions, you actually reinforce the neuro-pathways that were created at the time of the issues. As a result, the emotions and the behavioural patterns that are associated to that neuro-connection keep being reinforced on a weekly basis. In other words, the more you think and talk about something painful, the worst you will feel. But if you keep talking and thinking about it on a regular basis, how can you expect those emotions and patterns to disappear?

However with NLP and other solution focused therapies, the emphasis is put on solutions and change. Once you understand where your issues come from and you’ve explored their root cause, you then need the tools to solve them. And because of how the brain works it is also essential to mentally rehearse the new emotions and behaviours that will occur as a result. In NLP jargon this is called doing some future pacing.

All those new approaches help rewire the brain in a much more useful manner, instead of reinforcing old patterns and issues, and as a result I’ve found that it is no longer necessary to spend decades in therapy to start freeing yourself from the past and start living your life the way you truly deserve to.

What does the unconscious mind do?

In the NLP world, the unconscious mind refers to everything that is not under immediate conscious awareness or control. For example, you don’t consciously ask your heart to beat; or you don’t remember consciously to breathe every few seconds; Or to engage your digestive system after every meal. All those body functions are therefore controlled by your unconscious mind.

In the same way that the unconscious mind is in charge of regulating our bodily functions, another of its role is to filter the two billion pieces of information that come through our senses every day so we don’t feel overloaded. It also stores and organizes our memories and creates our emotions. Have you ever noticed that when you feel an emotion, you don’t actually choose to have that emotion; it actually feels like it just happened to you? That’s a sure sign that your unconscious is at play. I often hear clients telling me they feel guilty to have some particular emotions, like anger or fear. But how can it be their fault if they have no conscious involvement in it? Even with that simple realisation, understanding the respective roles of the conscious and unconscious mind can create very powerful changes in clients.

So what would be an example of a conscious function? When you decide to lift your arm for example; or consciously decide to cook a nice meal. But if you unintentionally hurt someone with your words or behavior, did you do it consciously or unconsciously? This is not to say that you can discharge yourself from taking responsibility, but rather it could empower you to step away from a passive guilt, begin to feel more confident instead and start looking for some ways to fix it!

Generally most of the issues people come to see me for are governed by the unconscious mind. The common factor between those issues is that they know they have this problem, they can sometimes even understand where it comes from but they are unable to solve it. That is the definition of a behavior or pattern that is unconscious. For example smokers know the cigarette is bad for them, but they can’t stop; or you know a chocolate cake isn’t the best thing to eat when you’re on a diet, but you still find yourself eating it; Or you consciously know you’re a great person because your friends told you so and you have achieved great things in your life, but you can’t help not being confident in some situations; and that’s when NLP and hypnotherapy come in.

Hypnotherapy and NLP help working on those unconscious patterns and change them into something more useful. Because if you try to work consciously on an unconscious pattern the chances are that even if you manage to achieve some changes, they will be quite small and won’t last; It’s a bit like if your computer was broken, and in order to repair it you would kindly speak to it trying to convince it to work-again-because-it-prevents-you-to-do-your-job instead of changing the old broken piece in it.

I like to compare the unconscious mind to a computer. When you get a new computer it’s full of programs that have some precise functions. But from time to time you see a window popping up and telling you that you need to update a program. Otherwise it will be out of date and you know your computer won’t work very well. I feel that the unconscious mind is the same. When you grow up and build your learning experiences, you’re creating a lot of behaviors and beliefs that then stay with you and get stored in your unconscious mind. But as you keep changing and evolving, on another hand those patterns keep running in their original version. And some of them may need to be changed and updated in order for you to keep functioning at the best of your potential. And that’s precisely what NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) does: it updates those old beliefs and behaviors to adapt them to your current needs. You re-program your unconscious mind by teaching your brain some new, more useful behaviors and emotional responses.

Over the years of practicing NLP and hypnotherapy, I discovered that it can actually help with a lot of issues. From simple ones like wasting time on Facebook rather than doing this important piece of work you’re supposed to finish by tomorrow through to changing some stubborn and problematic negative emotional responses created during your childhood.

When I was a full time professional musician, I used to suffer from stage fright, which is very common to most performers and public speakers. It’s was like my mind was programmed to generate fear as soon as I put a foot on a stage. So I used those tools endlessly in empowering me during my performances, teaching my unconscious mind that it was indeed an enjoyable exiting time. Progressively the old fear disappeared as I “updated my inner program” and it became a very different, enjoyable and joyful experience to perform.

So the unconscious mind is the central player in NLP work – it’s where we work to create the greatest most enduring change. The question now is where is it not serving you?
What emotions or negative responses in your life happen automatically? How different would your life be if instead a new empowering response would automatically pop up without you having to consciously do anything about it? What would that allow you to do that you currently feel is difficult or impossible?

Related articles

• Why You Should Listen to Your Unconscious Mind – and What It Can Tell You (forbes.com)

NLP or Hypnotherapy?

I often have been asked the question “what is the difference between NLP and Hypnotherapy”? It is actually quite difficult to answer as they aren’t easily defined and there are multiple ways to look at hypnosis and NLP. But I’m going to intend clarifying that by giving you my understanding of it.

Hypnosis is a technique that generates an altered state of consciousness in which the unconscious mind is more available to respond to change. And Hypnotherapy is a therapeutic approach that uses hypnosis. I think it is quite important to understand the difference between hypnotherapy and stage hypnosis. The unfortunate reputation of hypnosis comes from the latter, which has got an entertainment purpose. It uses hypnosis in a manipulative way in order to generate some unusual behaviours. On another hand, a hypnotherapist uses hypnosis in an ethical way, within the control, permission and full awareness of its subject. So a client will never do something he doesn’t agree with or doesn’t want to do.

As for NLP, it is a set of great tools that uses language to generate changes at the neurological level. NLP can be used in transformational coaching, but also to improve communication, in business, sales and in many other areas. It is widely recognised that NLP techniques are also very powerful in a therapeutic context. So what are the benefits of combining it with hypnotherapy? When clients come to see an NLP practitioner, it’s safe to assume they’ve already tried to sort out their issues but weren’t successful. That suggests the cause of their issue is rooted in their unconscious mind. In my experience, when using NLP without the help of hypnosis, it engages a lot more the conscious mind. That leads very often to interference of negative thoughts and barriers, which prevent to work on the root cause of the issue. The use of hypnosis allows the client to enter a gentle relaxed state in which they can start to change at a deeper level.

It is very helpful to have a deep understanding of some hypnotherapy techniques. I had once a client who came into my practice and told me he only wanted to be treated with Hypnotherapy. In order to fit his model of the world, I gave his unconscious mind some suggestions guiding him towards his desired outcome, using metaphors and unconscious reframing. But I found that the changes that my client was getting happened much slower than when using a combination of NLP and hypnotherapy techniques. Based on this, I have noticed that Hypnotherapy actually works better when supported by a CD to listen every day, as daily suggestions are more effective and work faster than weekly ones…

All those reflections brought me to describe their difference as follow: during a hypnotherapy session, the client is very passive whilst the therapist does most of the work; as with NLP, the client is actively engaged in doing some exercises to reprogram their brain whilst their conscious mind is still very active. Actually, some NLP techniques could very well be taken for hypnotherapy ones, as the creators of NLP modelled hypnotherapists…so there’s a fine line between those two methods and I would conclude by saying that their alliance helps the conscious mind to reprogram the unconscious one at a deeper level. And as two heads are better than one, two different approaches combined are more effective than each taken separately.

For more info on what hypnotherapy can help with check that link http://connecthypnotherapy.com/10-benefits-of-hypnotherapy

I don’t know

When I work with clients, I generally start my sessions by asking lots of questions to find out what their issues are and what they want to achieve through the work we’re doing together. Those Well Formed Outcome questions are a therapeutic tool per se, as they’re designed to help the client looking at their issues in a different way. By challenging their generalisations, reconnecting with the deeper meaning behind their deletions and distortions, they already start the change process.

One of the most common answers I get, however, is “I don’t know”. I’m always very intrigued by this kind of reply, as I’m wondering what is it that the client’s unconscious mind doesn’t want to face by avoiding answering that question. Don’t get me wrong, there are some times when one genuinely doesn’t know the answer. Such as if I ask you what’s the first name of Einstein’s grand mother 🙂

The questions I ask my clients though are more orientated towards their internal processes, thoughts or feelings. And the question that comes to my mind when they get stuck in the “I don’t know” trap is “but if you don’t know, who does?” And often when we surrender to that answer we end up not truly taking responsibility for ourselves nor taking control of our life.

Have you ever been in a situation when you meet up with a friend and when they ask you “so where do you want to go?” you find it easier to tell them “I don’t know, what do you think?!” rather than make the decision? Even though surrendering the choice doesn’t have major consequences in this situation, often we replicate that behaviour in most areas of our lives.

When I ask a client, for example “what stops you from achieving your goal?” and they tell me “I don’t know”, I’ve noticed that it can mean a few different things:

• Either they’re scared of the answer
• Or they’re worried to look stupid or to be wrong
• Or it’s easier than thinking hard to find the answer
• Or they haven’t yet thought about it

In any case, what is more useful? Staying stuck or exploring the answers, get the opportunity to learn something new about yourself, and perhaps decide to do something about it?

I know sometimes that the answer can be scary. Yesterday I was working with a client who has got anger issues. And when I asked him “what are you angry about?” he kept repeating “I don’t know” as you would have guessed. When I gently challenged him on that, he recognized he was very angry with his father and felt really guilty about it. But after a while he accepted those feelings, and was ready to start working on them. Making another step forward on his personal journey.

I think we can learn a lot about ourselves and our unconscious patterns by seeking the hidden answers behind that question. It often reveals our limiting beliefs and fears, and by bringing them back to consciousness we can then begin to work on them rather than being controlled by them. Any thoughts on that?

Why is Gratitude useful

I was listening yesterday to a talk between Dr. David Hamilton and Michael Neill and as always when I hear David Hamilton talking, he keeps coming back to the concept of gratitude. I find this rather intriguing as he has a very strong scientific background and I wouldn’t necessarily link gratitude with science.

You might have heard all around the self development community the popular idea that gratitude is essential, that you need to do a gratitude list every day, and it’s certainly a major part of the philosophy of the secret and the law of attraction.

However if you are a bit sceptical like me, you may see all that as a bit spooky, or rather lacking some scientific evidences that would give it a bit more credibility. I am not going to engage here on whether the law of attraction works, as after all it is a belief, and as such, can’t be scientifically proven as a fact would be. For me it is not about whether it works or not, but rather if having this belief makes your life better. I would simply like to talk today about gratitude and how there is a scientific element behind it that makes it worth paying attention.

You may have heard of the magic number seven, which is in a nutshell our brain’s memory storage capacity. At any given moment our brain can only store on average 7 bits of information, beyond that it gets confused and overloaded. Even though according to some research our unconscious mind stores every single memory, our conscious mind seems to only be able to focus on 7 at a time. Now how is that useful?

Emotions come from our thoughts as you might have already experienced: If you start to think or talk about a sad event, you’re likely to respond very quickly with sadness. On another hand, if you think about the person you love the most, you are going to be flooded with loving feelings. It is simply a chemical reaction that occurs between your brain and your body. And it has been scientifically established that when we are happy we also are healthier. So how can we take advantage of that?

The answers seems quite obvious. By making sure we have thoughts that make us feel happy. However it is easier said than done, as unless you’ve practiced it, it is at first difficult to take control of your thoughts, and also our thoughts tend to naturally focus more on our issues and current concerns than on what goes right in our life. And that’s where gratitude comes in. By focusing on what we are grateful to already have, either by noticing it on the spot or making a daily list, we force our thoughts to be orientated towards what’s positive in our lives. And if we go over our “allowance” of seven at a time, there won’t be any space left for all the negative ones. Which means that the chemicals that are going to be released in our body will enhance our health and well-being.

So whether or not you are religious, or believe in the law of attraction or not, a gratitude attitude on a daily basis is going to improve the quality of your life and your health as you are bound to be more happy on a general basis. And if you manage to attract on top of it the things you’ve always dreamt of, such as a free holiday in Sri Lanka, your dream house or ideal job, simply congratulate yourself and enjoy the cherry on the cake 🙂

What is depressing you?

One of my first step when working with depression is often reframing the issue and challenging the nominalization.

What is a nominalization? it’s a term developed by the creators of NLP, Bandler and Grinder that describes how an action has been transformed into a noun. Such as the action of failing, that became the noun “failure”. The ultimate way to figure this out is to use the wheel barrow test: If you can’t put it in a wheelbarrow it’s a nominalization!

What’s the point in spotting nominalizations? When you transform an action into a noun, it gives it permanence and a solid existence independently of you. And when you say “I’m a failure” It defines your identity rather than your behaviour (I failed at something). An action completely depends on you, as you’re the person performing it, therefore you’re the one who has got control over it.

So when working with depression, I start with explaining what a nominalization is, engaging the client in discovering why that can be a problem. When they recognize that it’s the case in their specific situation, I ask them the very powerful meta model question: “so, what’s depressing you?” This question is essential, as when a client comes into your practice and tearfully tells you how they feel everything is wrong in their life, that they have depression and they’re very unhappy, it may be overwhelming for both you and the client, and quite challenging to find how to tackle this. On another hand when you narrow it down to what specifically has a negative impact in their life, it makes it much easier to address and can reduce drastically the issue.

Once again last week I saw a client who came to see me with depression, diagnosed by her GP and given some antidepressant. We did our fourth session then, and once more, I heard her reporting she was feeling already so much better; to use her words “I so am on the roll!” And the reason for that is simply that during our first or second session by asking her what was depressing her, she recognized it was her critical inner voice that made her life miserable. Of course, if you’re constantly living with someone who puts you down and criticize you 24/7 how are you not going to feel depressed?! And this simple realization, with the help of some coaching, allowed her to start shifting her internal dialogue, with the immediate effect of altering her feelings and improving her general mood.

Today I saw another clinically depressed client, on his third session with me. So far, I had only done coaching and some NLP reframing starting with my usual nominalization approach. He himself recognised from the beginning of the session that he only had had depressing thoughts (vs. having depression) 5% in total in the past week, and recognized happily that he couldn’t say any longer that he had depression. And that is even before engaging in some deeper NLP or hypnotherapy processes.

And even though in some cases depression is indeed a clinical illness, in a lot of situations our depressed state is only triggered by our thoughts on a possible challenging situation, that in turn activate our depressed feelings. But we are capable to take control of our thoughts and labelling a temporary negative state as depression makes it much more difficult to recover from it as you are now fighting what unconsciously you feel is a static problem. This is not minimising the issues in any case, simply approaching it in the most useful way to handle it as quickly as possible. So the first step is to recognise that it is a temporary state of affairs that could turn around as quickly as it came over. And then it is about finding the tools that work best for you to begin to do something about it. You could turn to NLP and hypnotherapy, of course, but you could also go for CBT, EMDR or any other therapy that is the most suitable for your needs.

Related articles

• Clinical Depression (ocdasd.wordpress.com)

Giving clients the space they need

A lot of coaches and solution-focused therapists are taught almost from the word “go” that it’s not good for the client to talk about their issues. That the session should focus on creating goals and solutions, rather than dwelling on problems.

I totally agree with that. To a certain extend. But let me first tell you why I think it’s important to stay in a solution-frame rather than a problem-frame. To begin with, when clients look for help, it’s safe to assume that by then they have recognised that they have an issue. Therefore they must have thought about it a lot, perhaps talked about it even more, with friends, family or a counsellor. And if they’re still coming to see you after that, it means that all that dwelling hasn’t necessarily helped…

So it’s time to do something new. Through some skilful questions, we allow the clients to explore new possibilities and start to discover some routes they may have not been aware of before.

At the neurological level, this approach is very important. Our Neuro pathways are wired in such a way that the more you use them, through repeating the same thoughts, the stronger they get. Which in turn makes it much easier to repeat those thoughts patterns, as they’re now deeply engrained. A little bit like when you learn a language, it gets easier when you practise it consistently.

So when clients dwell on their issues, you can easily figure out what neuro-pathways they’re reinforcing. And what we want, as solution focused therapists, is to facilitate the creation of more useful and positive neuro pathways. Through encouraging them to engage in finding answers, build constructive goals and a brighter future.

However, the person-centred approach adds a dimension to that. Because in order to build rapport and create a safe relationship with your client, it is very important to validate their feelings first and to offer them unconditional regard. And sometimes, all what the client needs during a session is to talk about their issues. To feel they are in a safe place, where their distress is contained and received with compassion and empathy.

I’ve seen too often professionals brushing off those needs, either because they were taught too well about the goal-orientated approach. Or sometimes because they were scared not to be able to handle those strong emotions. I have been once in this situation, and the practitioner panicked to see me get emotional. Quickly cut off my words to take me in what she called a safe place. But what I really needed then was compassion and understanding. Nothing else.

A lot of my clients have reported having had the same experience with therapists. And felt rejected, not understood nor accepted. As I believe the relationship between the client and the therapist is crucial, I always allow this space. Within reasonable negativity, of course, always looking for a balance between their need to talk, and the necessity to build new positive neuro connections.

And I have found actually, that whilst finding this balance, my clients were moving forward much quicker. They appreciate my compassion, recognise the support I offer them and learn to trust me through this experience. The rapport is built much quicker and at a much deeper level. Which in turns, allow them to move forward faster and make deeper changes.

Have you had a similar experience as a client or as a therapist/coach?